Is that love?

As I sit here on another friday night of solitude, I’m thinking about some of the colloquy I have had over the last couple of months and a few of the observations I made about two of my freiends(Shruti and Sunil). Last night I talked to them. They had a big fight. Had hundreds of complaints about each other.
Sunil said –
· She is not sparing quality time for him.
· She wants to meet him only if she wants to shop.
· She has become demanding in terms of money and shopping. She expects a gift from him on a monthly basis.
· She is overfriendly with other guys.
And the most imp complaint was - she is not independent. Always seeks help.

Shruti said –
· He is spoiling her freedom. He doesn’t allow her to take help from others.
· He doesn’t like her to ‘talk’ to other guys.
· It is very difficult to spare some quality time. I ‘often’ have no ‘time’ to spend.

I had become like a referee. The very first question that I had asked was – do you both want to marry each other? There was an angry silence. After a while Shruti responded – My relationship has reached to a point where I can no longer proceed with this relationship. It was natural for her to feel unhappy. On the other side – Sunil was trapped and traumatized, and longing to regain his relationship with Shruti.

I recommended Sunil that you two create space in your relationship. This may sound like the exact opposite way to get closer, but if you think this is the key. When there is space for each of you to know what you want, follow your bliss and communicate your needs and desires, then there is actually more space AND potential for connection and passion.

Later I spoke to Shruti as well.

Like others she also had her own ‘standards’ to choose her partner. She wanted to get married to an NRI.

This story began when she joined our company -
She met ‘Sunil’ in our office, he was quite attractive, sensible and mature. As days passed they became good friends. Unfortunately Sunil was not an NRI. However, she tried getting his attention. Her approach towards Sunil was always affectionate. After a while Sunil reciprocated. When he pursued her, she denied that she had any interest and moved on. I still remember the day when she came and told me about ‘Pradeep’ who was in US and was an NRI. She claimed that she fell in love once she saw his photo. She had found him on some matrimonial site. They started building the relationship. Shruti’s friendship with Sunil, was jeopardized when she began a passionate affair with Pradeep.

Love stories can never go smoothly. There are always ups and downs to test your strength.
When she insisted him for marriage, she realised that Pradeep didn’t have enough courage to face his parents and convince them. His ‘status’ didn’t allow him to get married to a middle class girl. He knew it very well. He still interacted with her and just gave false hopes. She tried her best to convince him but things didn’t work the way it should have been. Their relationship ended here.

Sunil was always with her on her good or bad times. And he was not aware of their love story which was running in the background.

Generally, Women who stay away from their family are not all that independent. They always seek for attention. They believe that their personal security or self-worth requires the ongoing presence or nurturing of another person. Shruti was, and is also utterly reliant on other people. Sunil changed his job due to his family reasons and was moving away from her company. She was getting on the extinct land with no paths, with no life.

“Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you last seen them, or the amount of time it's been since you last talked. It is about the every moment when you are doing something and you wish that they were right there with you!"

Life seems beautiful when a friend becomes a part of you. Would be apt to call him ‘more’ than a friend. Shruti started becoming close to Sunil.

He always tried his best to make her happy. He loved her as much as he could. He had enough patience to give her own time and space to accept him hearty. He tried to restore intimacy by doing everything possible to rekindle, reunite, and reinvest in the relationship. She couldn’t retaliate I believe. When we were talking about Sunil I said “try to understand your needs and respect them. Are you hesitant to let go of a sure thing when you don't really know what your options are out there in the world? Don’t let Sunil down, you might loose him. She had a feeling that he can’t live without her and can’t leave her for any reason. She couldn’t differentiate between what she was getting in her past relation and what she is getting in her present.
The saddest part was to not try to understand the meaning of “spending quality time together”
She started avoiding face-to-face visits. “If A Man Loves You, He'll Spend Money On You” became her moral. It is human behavior to advert to the shortcomings. It matters a lot for us. She couldn’t perceive his good qualities which were a lot more to appreciate.

I had many questions in my mind like –
How do we respond when we discover the shortcomings of others? How do we respond to someone we don’t see eye to eye with? How do we respond to those who are bound by a habitual sin? Are we quick to judge them?

I couldn’t get any answers though.

I heatedly suggested “Partners are not perfect. We all have our idiosyncrasies, quirks, and things to improve. And, we all have some good character traits, personality and beautiful gifts. Whatever we focus on will grow and brighten in our minds so make sure you see the ‘beauty’ boldly in your beloved.”

And I had a question for her – was Pradeep ‘perfect’? He just matched a ‘few’ basic criteria and became your “love at first sight”. Don’t bind yourself with some ‘standards’. Try to be fair enough to judge the people by their character not by personal likings. It is much more than that. Do not let past relationships ruin the present. My statement was vigorously assertive. My knowledge says when your memories of the past obscure your vision of the future; it leaves you bankrupt in the present. The fact is - things change, they grow, they improve, I’m sorry but in my opinion they get better.

The pain and fear produced in past relationships holds the key to your most valuable traits. The grief and hurt you carry with you is evident to others, even though you believe it is concealed. Once you have decided to accept the challenge of self-discovery and heal your pain, the types of people drawn into your life will ‘change’ in response to the new energy you send out into the world.

If you love some one because you cannot leave him/her thinking that you should try once to reciprocate or because you do not have any other ‘option’ then it's not love... it's ~experiment~....

I requested her to do not experiment with the living things.
The last thing that I asked her was – “why don’t you let it go if you can’t value it.”

There is so much on my mind right now and I can’t stand to have it weigh on me. Maybe it would be wise to allow all these thoughts to sit, to marinate, to unravel and to perhaps wind down. I have shared my opinions and the observations. What do you think?

Shweta!!